Things I didn’t know about myself
11/22/2010I just had the last raid of WotLK I will ever have and it spawned some introspection on my part. There are things that I simply never knew about myself that I’ve started to really see now.
1. I’m a raiding snob. Okay, that isn’t something I didn’t know, but I’m -really- a raiding snob, more so than I ever knew. Lack of progression sparks in me so many negative emotions that I finally have to realize that I’m one of “those people.” I used to think of myself as one of the level-headed types who supports people going with the the flow, that I would be happy in any raiding group where I could play with my friends. This is utter delusion on my part. Not being at the edge of progression, even at such a time as this, makes me filled with discomfort that turns into disappointment and rage if too much time goes by. It has even gotten to the point where I have started feeling that internal discomfort if other groups who I -do not raid with- are not as progressed as I feel they should be. Clearly, that is insane. Why should I care? Yet for some reason, I do.
2. I’m a healing snob. Again, not a big surprise, but it is again the sheer point that it is at that startles me. My brain gets locked in the spiral of “you are in ilevel 277 gear and I am in ilevel 251 gear on an alt, I should not be out healing you!” and becomes unable to escape. When I see people doing things that are sub-optimal, my gut becomes a roiling pit of unhappiness. Again, even if I am not raiding with them! Why should I care if someone is doing things crazily wrong if they are raiding on another server that I will never play on? More insanity on my part.
3. If they came out with an MMO that had a healing class that crouches behind big blocks, out of LoS of the boss, and healed using a sniper rifle, I would be the happiest gamer -ever.- I really love sniper rifles.
4. Writing novels is really hard and I now know that I would never want to do so for a living. I used to get all dreamy with the thought of becoming a real novelist, thinking about how great it would be to do it for a living, but in doing NaNoWriMo I have seen that it is all about slogging through a mucky middle that you simply do not want to write. I’m going to finish it, because it is way too late to give up, but I am not enjoying doing so.
5. Being a cyborg sounds really neat. I’d totally sign up for it.
6. Going along with that, I think I may hate “gut feelings” more than anything else in the world. Using “gut feelings” to make any sort of decision is so bizarre and unnecessary that it makes me sigh. There are facts out there if you look! Use those! Your brain is a million times more intelligent than your gut, so you should be using that to make decisions. If I became a cyborg, then my “guts” would be metal and full of computers. I can support that.
7. I have a love affair with logic. …which is slightly ironic, now that I think about it.
8. I shouldn’t blog early in the morning before work. It makes posts like this come out.
I’m staying on top of the healing game for Cataclysm, finally. I’ll have some things to say about it soon-ish, I’m thinking, especially about the absolutely rotten state of Mastery at all raiding levels. (Seriously, what were they thinking?) Stay tuned!
Moar HPS! 
About number 6, you should read Blink by Malcolm Gladwell. It’s basically about how people can utilize their ‘gut feelings’ to make superior decisions.
I recently wrote a short story based on my WoW main. It is about 31.5k words in length, and I typically spent one day a week writing it, over the course of a few months.
Let me tell you, it was hard! I had the story line all plotted out in advance, though the ‘who said what and to whom’ developed as I wrote it. The last few chapters were a real slog, and I got no enjoyment from writing it at that point. I only kept going because of encouragement from my guildies.
Now it is finished I’m really happy that I did it, but I have little urge to write another one.
I can relate to/respond to a couple of the traits you talked about, because I share some of them with you. That’s probably one of the reasons why we get along so well! Moving on.
I can agree with you about #1, but I wouldn’t really say it makes you a healing snob. I felt the same way as you with one of my previous guilds. We had a great core of players and all the puzzle pieces were there to be put in place and to show a final picture of us seeing some really strong content. But for some reason, it just didn’t come together. It’s one thing to be casual, amongst casuals and understand that you won’t see anything hardcore with said people. All the signs are pointing to that and that’s something you come to expect. It’s more frustrating to be around people that you truly believe can do big things and for some reason it doesn’t happen like that. You want to know what the issue is and you want to fix it and the people in charge seem really complacent to just let it go on like that. I agree with you, it can be maddening. You want to see people doing well, especially if you know they have it in them to do well. When people don’t use that potential or give in to failure or setbacks, it does make you get a little angry or frustrated.
I can also relate to #2 in that there are times I get extremely competitive with other healers. Especially if I feel said class/spec should not be outperforming me in a certain role. I would like to think I have gotten a lot better with that, but there are still times I see someone who I feel is undeserving appearing to perform much better than I am. I know watching meters as a healer is still kind of taboo and there are so many other facts to glean from them than just raw output. But every once in a while I cave and I’ll peek at the meters and have to remind myself that I’m still fabulous and that I shouldn’t let it get me down. It’s tough sometimes.
Regarding #3, you sound like a cross between Florence Nightingale and Sarah Palin. That’s frightening!
I have already been clear about my stance on #4 and how I’m not necessarily against NaNo, but I do feel it brings out the worst in people and I personally feel it does more to stifle creativity than to encourage it. I don’t feel forcing your art or your muse out of yourself, for the sake of a rigid deadline is conducive to being healthy or producing good work. Maybe it’s just the type of writer I am. I can’t force myself to create. It comes when it’s ready. I would know, from looking at my work, when I wasn’t in the mood to write it or if it felt forced. Others may not see it, but I would and that would leave me feeling very unhappy with it and I wouldn’t want to feel that way. But that’s just me!
#6 is interesting, because I agree with you that you shouldn’t use gut feelings as the sole evidence or logic to make a decision, but I think it can be a great starting point or a great early indicator that something may be afoot. Obviously, if you have no other evidence to support your decisions, I wouldn’t go along with them. There have been many times my gut was right about something and it motivated me to find out why I was feeling that way and it turns out that I was right to do so. So, there is a time and a place for it, if it’s used carefully.
Yay, more healing posts! Have you decided what your main is going to be yet?
As a keen reader of all matters psychological, I can tell you that your gut has brains. Even more, it thinks “for itself”. The most generally accepted theory for gut feelings is that they are a type of intelligence that appears to be based on previous experiences, and its independent of the primary sources of info (i.e. your senses or calculations/estimations). It is an emotional decision maker. It “remembers” how you felt about an action you did or heard of somebody else doing in the past and stores it for future use. When the right situation presents, it weights the good/bad feelings you had and recommends an action. When you do something “because it “felt” like the right thing to do then and there” you are listening to your gut feelings. You should always listen to your gut feelings, there is always a reason you have them, even if you cannot remember the reason for it.